something to be grateful for....

that blood doesn't stain skin the way it skins cloth

Pass me a tissue

what is my body doing that I'm producing so much tissue and then shedding it AT THIS RATE?!

We all know tissue comes out when you're menstruating, it's usually just a bit, sometimes you get a bigger chunk and you can feel it passing.  Sometimes I like to try and take it apart and squish it, run it under water to see if the tissue is red or if it's all the blood.

My inners are like some inside out snake trying to exfoliate, except snakes don't lose chunks of themselves, the just lose some skin and that's that.  Last night, I had a record size/volume amount of tissue.  It seems all the more disturbing considering how long I've been bleeding.

My Diva cup was filled to the rim. -- typical, but what I didn't realize was that it was filled entirely with tissue.  What the crap is happening in there?  Maybe this whole experience is making my uterus really emo and she's just cutting herself with a tiny machete.

I'm not sure why I feel so obsessed with this right now, I think the best I can explain is this:
With peeing and pooping I don't feel attached to the waste because it was stuff I put in my body, it absorbed what it needed (and then some *bellypat*) and then the rest is sent off to treatment plants.  Sure, we've all heard, blood is life -- plus I'm losing things my body added to itself.  It was something that became part of me and not something that was just passing through.  I'd be upset if I pooped out my appendix -- despite it being something that doesn't serve much purpose.  The point is that we've become rather attached.

Functioning bleeder

I end up feeling really bad for myself when I get my period.
I mean, I created a blog to bitch about it -- and I feel so bad for my boyfriend and friends because I end up feeling pretty dysfunctional.

I do like that most girls can relate to the whole experience --
but it's still something that isn't talked about as comfortably.  Why can't it be as casual conversation as the shitty sports team you like?  They lose all the time and that conversation is somehow always acceptable and interesting.

This weekend has been painful, stressful, and a ton of fun.  Having to clean out your diva cup + soak through an overnight pad in 1-2 hours sucks.  Having to do that in public is worse.

• Saturday, I went to drink and eat free beer and food.  Walking was hard, so was sitting, standing, and even sleeping.  It was fun, I drank beer, I hung out with friends.  I went to the bathroom -- 3 stalls for a giant event featuring free beer... that meant a really long line.  By the time I got to the bathroom, I had filled up my diva cup, soaked the entire pad, soaked through my underwear, into the liner of my board shorts, and into my shorts.... and into my jeans.  We left after the long time it took to try and "clean up"
• Saturday night, we drove 90 minutes to a murder/mystery party.  I wore capris under my skirt -- the game itself was easy since I didn't have to stand up.  When they decided to play charades afterwards, I politely explained I was tired and was thankfully left alone.  Here's the shitty part.  We carpooled and drove my friend -- despite his claims of being tired and still recovering from the night before, he really didn't want to leave.  I hate making other people leave so I sat it out.  Until I ran out of pads.  The car ride home was pretty painful too.
• Sunday I went to an afternoon barbecue, luckily my friends took care of me and I got some much needed red meat.  I got some natural vitamin D -- and while excusing myself every hour was annoying, clean up was relatively easy.
• That evening, I went to a Yelp elite event.  Yay free beer, free tacos, free cupcakes, free screen printing!  Oh, and all you can handle cramps!  I did win a game of foosball.
• We had dinner, went to visit a friend -- overall, a tough long day weekend for me (particularly since I was feeling rather introverted as of late) but the distractions were nice.  
• The anxiety and the stress are definitely affecting me.  I had to get a 2nd emergency root canal last Thursday (2nd this year!) and my blood pressure was high.  So between any uterus and angry teeth -- to me, going out and having fun was an accomplishment. 

THE PAIN

I started up on the ring last month because my 2 or 3 month bleed-fest was unbearable.
The issue is that starting BC means I also get really bad cramps.

I rarely get cramps, but in the past 3 years when I do, I can't function.

• If on average this happens to all women -- is this actually a contributing factor to why we don't make as much as men? Because losing 1/4 of your time each month with a decline in focus and productivity sucks.
• And then I get pissed when periods are used as an excuse or as some joke.  I hate when girl's mood or issues are blamed on PMS or just being a girl.  That shit pisses me off -- but to not acknowledge how severely I react to my period does make me realize denying it makes me a hypocrite
• Have you read the reasons and therapies on what causes cramps and how to relieve them?  Burning or cutting things up there sounds pretty awful, despite it having a high success rate.  Anyone experience this? I feel like I trust doctors and I'm a brave person, but for some reason these bother me.  Nothing morally against it, maybe right now I just don't like anyone in the general vicinity
• I equate these cramps to bad gas, constipation, being stabbed or repeatedly punched in the stomach -- all while being sore and achy for no good reason.
• Apparently, when I sleep, I whimper pathetically and roll around a lot.  No wonder I need so much extra sleep. 

Is it over yet?

Being on my period really makes me feel like a different person.
My attitude, my mood, and general train of thought are foreign.

• When I'm cleaning up all the blood, I often imagine myself as a surgeon.  If only I weren't so bad at school.  I would be a great surgeon.  I feel like my entire vagina is some open bleeding gash and the blood just gushes out. My hands are covered in blood and I ultimately shake my head knowing I have to tell my patient that there's no stopping or fixing it.
• Or sometimes I imagine that it's a wound.  I got stabbed or shot or some other violent thing.  I pretend like I'm in a war for example and I'm bleeding out.
• I think about how if someone needed blood for art how I could provide them the media
• Or a sustainable eco-friendly way to feed vampires.  Or at least one vampire

I DON'T MISS YOU

Finally.

I can be active

I don't feel anxious

I don't feel so moody

I don't feel anti-social

I am not sore or achy

I don't have a headache

I can make plans for things

I don't randomly burst into tears

I don't have to do as much laundry

I can comfortably go swimming or take a bath

I don't have to go through a roll of toilet paper a day.

I don't have to take advil and ibuprofen every few hours
I don't have to worry about blood on my panties or underwear
I can sleep on my side and not worry about leaking on my bed

I can sleep on my back and not worry about leaking on my bed

I don't have to worry about carrying a bag so I can carry tampons and pads

I don't ahve to worry about an extra pair of pants in the car all the time just in case

I don't have to go to the bathroom every 30-60 minutes to clean up and sometimes cry

I can have sex without 5 minutes to prepare the bed and it doesn't take 15 minutes later to clean up

I LOVE NOT BEING ON MY PERIOD!! <3

Mental Fortitude

For the most part I can keep my crazies to myself -- I started this blog as a way to feel bad for myself sometimes. Yea, I know, there are people with greater problems and bigger issues. I just want some recognition for being the best at something. In this case it's having the worst period ever. Or at least complaining the most about it.