I DON'T MISS YOU

Finally.

I can be active

I don't feel anxious

I don't feel so moody

I don't feel anti-social

I am not sore or achy

I don't have a headache

I can make plans for things

I don't randomly burst into tears

I don't have to do as much laundry

I can comfortably go swimming or take a bath

I don't have to go through a roll of toilet paper a day.

I don't have to take advil and ibuprofen every few hours
I don't have to worry about blood on my panties or underwear
I can sleep on my side and not worry about leaking on my bed

I can sleep on my back and not worry about leaking on my bed

I don't have to worry about carrying a bag so I can carry tampons and pads

I don't ahve to worry about an extra pair of pants in the car all the time just in case

I don't have to go to the bathroom every 30-60 minutes to clean up and sometimes cry

I can have sex without 5 minutes to prepare the bed and it doesn't take 15 minutes later to clean up

I LOVE NOT BEING ON MY PERIOD!! <3

Mental Fortitude

For the most part I can keep my crazies to myself -- I started this blog as a way to feel bad for myself sometimes. Yea, I know, there are people with greater problems and bigger issues. I just want some recognition for being the best at something. In this case it's having the worst period ever. Or at least complaining the most about it.

How much? Too much.

How much is a lot of blood?

By now, you know that I hate my period, that I personify weird things, and that I think I have the worst period ever.

But you're wondering, how bad is the worst period ever?

well, right now, I'm on my 7th day of my period.

It's natural for you to think "hey, that's normal, stop being so dramatic."

Except, that was after bleeding for over 90 days and having 10 days of not bleeding.

And when I say I'm bleeding or on my period, I mean -- there's significant blood. Not just spotting.

At my heaviest, it's a TSUNAMI of blood.

It is the red sea TIDAL wave.

Here's the fun numbers:

A normal healthy period: Blood loss average: 35ml of blood in 5-7 days.

The range can be from 10-80ml to be considered normal.

At my heaviest, I'll lose 15-30ml of blood. Doesn't sound too bad right?

oh no, wait for it, EVERY HOUR.

EAT A POOP STUPID BIOLOGY!

Dear blood

Hey blood, what's up? I'm sorry my body hates you. It's cruel. I like you, you do some really cool stuff. I mean, I love and appreciate you. If it were my decision I wouldn't expel you. Really.

I mean, I work hard on trying to make you (and replenish you). I sometimes don't understand why the rest of me rejects you. I mean, as if bleeding all the time didn't suck enough, to add insult to injury -- getting a NOSEBLEED at the same time.

Yea, come on orifices, that's not cool. When girls say they faint at the sight of blood -- I wonder how they menstruate?

You know what's weird? I assumed getting nosebleeds was pretty normal until yesterday. I had a lot as a kid and probably 8 or 9 this year alone. Apparently though, I found out three of my friends have never had a nosebleed. That's like never having hiccups ever or never renaming all your organs in your body based on fictional cartoon characters.

For the record, my brain is named Gadget -- that's right, an awesomely clever mouse.

Practicality

Sometimes, I feel sad that so much blood is going to waste. I think about the stuff I could do with it since apparently my body keeps rejecting it.

• Some sort of art, there's a bunch that exists, google "Menstruation art" -- then again, if you found this blog you probably all ready know about it
• Art/Science project. Maybe I'll do that someday, I'd have to not have an office job. Get a bunch of graduated cylinders and visualize my period -- maybe photo document the color changes. I think it would be interesting. Too gross for most though.
• I would have a pet chupacabra. I'd name him Jeeves or Winston -- the goats in my neighborhood would be safe because I could feed him. He would be really fat though. Maybe I'll get two. Chupacabras need companions too.
• I could start a new line of drinks for vampires as an alternative to TrueBlood. Instead of an ice cream truck it would just be me. It would play "Sunday Bloody Sunday" instead of the Entertainer.
• Sometimes I wonder if it could be used to grow plants. I mean, how else does spinach get so much iron in it?

Blood Oranges

If lesbian vegetarian vampires existed, I would be their bloody smorgasbord. It would be like the Jamba Juice for blood suckers.

Chaos

What is the opposite of a cycle? I guess if there is no cycle then there is no pattern and no reason. It's like the stock market. That's the kind of consistency I get -- no wait, even that is based on the economy and has regular recessions. My period is even less predictable than the damn stock market. Hey, maybe that could be a new algorithm for trading in the market.

now that's what I call rags to riches.

Wounded

Sometimes I feel like my vagina is a giant gash, a giant open wound in my body -- I can't plug it up long enough. There are time I imagine it healing over and I'll be able to contain my precious blood. Other times, I imagine sewing or duct taping the whole mess.

Duct tape fixes everything right? I missed the class on how to use it to fix your hormones.

I'm just bleeding creativity over here

I bleed like a pro

No wonder it is shark week

Was this TMI?

MONSTRATION - monstrous menstruation.

You probably know a lady. A friend, a teacher, maybe it's your mom. Chances are though, you know someone that leaks blood between their legs on occasion. They've probably bitched about their bleeding vagina at some point as well.

Well, imagine that, but MORE. I am the not so fortunate owner of the world's worst period. How do I know? Well, I'm convinced that my uterus is a Decepticon. Yea, you read that right, it's a manipulating, violating, selfish, evil entity.

STOP STEALING MY ENERGON CUBES. STOP IT.

I think because I'm Asian though, my Uterus is some fucked up Asian rice rocket Decepticon -- the kind that knows KUNG-FU. I tire of this battle. Anyways, FUCK YOU UTERUS. I KNOW YOUR MOTIVES!